Dear Special Olympics Power lifting team,
Over the years, masculinity has had a variety of depictions from time to time. There is a big culture difference of masculinity in real life and popular culture. In real life, being masculine is about being yourself and caring about your family. However, in pop culture, masculinity is about being macho, flexing to impress people, doing something reckless and dangerous, eating meat, pumping iron, etc. There is also the way masculinity is depicted in movies, like being full of muscle and having a lot of guns. I wish to say that masculinity being expressed in pop culture can become a problem if it is not addressed immediately. If concerns like these are left unchecked, they will get out of control and cause a lot of misconceptions about what true masculinity really is.
The research I used for this claim is the Yes! Magazine article The Hazards of Manhood. In the article, people claim that true manhood lies in toughness, power, and competitiveness. I also read that the working man's desire to appear strong would compel them to lift more weight, continue working despite pain, and forgo safety measures. Most men claim that playing it safe will make them look weak. The article also states that the media exploits mens' bodies to instill in them the desire to prove themselves as real men. I also think that the article makes a very good point about what they say about true manhood and its problems.
The claims I wish to point out are that manhood doesn't have to be exploited. I mean, for years, people have been convinced by the media through billboard advertisements, health magazines, or even beer commercials. Men that follow these false messages tend to hop on a bandwagon without seeing who's behind the wheel. Most of those people that go on this bandwagon are usually the loud, angry and stupid. I think that we should wise up and discover our masculinity in our own way. I also feel that achieving true manhood lies within. People just need to find a way to unleash it.
The hazards of manhood can be avoided if men don't buy into what people say. They can also avoid the ads they see on T.V or on billboards. They should also avoid how manhood is depicted in movies or video games. Manhood in pop culture can also be avoided if people read less comic books involving muscularity. They also should think carefully about the advertisements for weight lifting equipment or dietary supplements. Most guys think that using protein shakes or muscle powder during their workouts help them bulk up the fastest. I feel that people like that are too gullible and should be smart about the choices they make in trying to prove their manhood. I hope this little letter can reach out to you and broaden your minds. Thank you.
Sincerely, Riley Patterson
Works cited: Schwalbe, Michael The Hazards of Manhood Yes! Magazine. Oct. 30th, 2012.
I enjoyed reading this letter! I found the introduction interesting because it set up the problem and used the compare and contrast mode to explain to the audience the difference between real men and "media" men. Your third paragraph where you state "manhood doesn't have to be exploited" was also interesting and well-written. I love the "bandwagon" metaphor! However, the next line that begins with "Most men..." undermines your ethos because the tone is too condemning. Instead, can you point out the health hazards of being exploited? Also, since you audience has not read The Hazard's of Manhood, it would help them understand your points more if you mixed in some quotations and more summary and analysis in the paragraph where you introduce this text. It's great evidence/research, but your audience just needs you to explain it a bit more. You have well organized TEA paragraphs which makes your letter easy to read and follow.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in a couple of places you write "The claims I wish to point out" and I want to encourage you to revise those sentences and just make the claim (without explaining that you "wish to point out") because your audience doesn't need that extra information. Consider using some of the language and sentence level tools on the handout in your final polish and you may want to expand the ideas in the third paragraph to include a more direct connection to your audience. Why are you writing to the Powerlifting team? Can they still lift weights and be healthy without being exploited? By addressing this audience directly, your claims are even more interesting so I encourage you to include a TEA about how this particular audience should combat the "hazards" while still enjoying their team sport. Nice job here Riley!